Family Bereavement
“Grief is the price we pay for love” ~ Queen Elizabeth II How to support your child during a family bereavement.
With our elderly parents well into their 70s, it is inevitable that we receive that dreaded call. Unfortunately that dreaded call came earlier than expected. Lady Yeya’s paternal grandmother passed away following a cardiac arrest at her home in California. It has been a long time since we had a family bereavement – nearly a decade ago when my mother passed away from pancreatic cancer. All the intense emotions that come with grief came surging back. It is never easy to say goodbye to a parent. Nor is watching your father adjust to a new normal as a widow. It is true that the passing of time helps heal the wound, but for now it is all too fresh. Grief is a bastard and it is the price we pay for love.
Explaining Death to a Young Child
Death is such a difficult topic. How do you explain death to a young child? How do you balance protecting your child, yet helping them build resilience? Or how to explain death in an age-appropriate way without traumatising them? Kenz and I were very open from the beginning with Lady Yeya about her Granny’s death. Yes, I had moments of regret as watching her grieve for her Granny was heartbreaking. But it is my job as a parent to help her navigate and find coping mechanisms to deal with these complex and unfamiliar emotions.
Initially, Lady Yeya didn’t grasp that death is permanent. This is partly our fault for using abstract phrases such as “Granny went to heaven” or “Granny passed away.” Lady Yeya would ask when Granny was coming back, as if she went to work in ‘heaven’. She would have moments of sadness with tears and then quickly bounce back to imaginary play. She gets sad when holding her beloved Stieff bear, a gift from Granny, and then quickly recounts a funny incident at school. It is difficult for young kids to express their emotions in words so we encouraged Lady Yeya to ask many questions about death. These questions were wide-ranging to help her digest the concept of death.
“Why do we die?”
“You’re old, will you die?”
“What happens to our bodies when we die?
“Is Granny in heaven?”
“What does heaven look like?
Watch The Lion King
Disney+ saves the day! As Lady Yeya was asking questions about death, we always referenced the Lion King. Rewatching the Lion King was a great way to teach Lady Yeya about the circle of life. Death is unfortunately part of life. Lady Yeya sympathised with Simba’s sadness as he sobbed on Mufasa’s chest in the gorge. She shared in Simba’s grief process: denial, sadness, anger, and acceptance. At the end, she told us that Granny lives inside her and will talk to her, just like how Mufasa talks to Simba.
Inform the School & Keep to a Normal Routine
Kenz flew back to California to pay his final respects and help with the funeral arrangements. Lady Yeya and I remained in London as we didn’t want to take her out of school, keeping to her normal routine and weekend activities. I sent an email to her form teacher, copying in the junior school to inform them of the family bereavement. We weren’t sure how Lady Yeya would react with news and with her Dad being away for an extended time. The school was very supportive and kind in giving me updates. This was a huge source of comfort for us. Lady Yeya coped amazingly well at school being around her classmates and teachers.
Make Time for Extra Cuddles
Whilst Kenz was away in California, Lady Yeya came straight home at 3:20pm rather than going to afterschool club. This way we can spend extra time together. Colleagues and line managers were very supportive, allowing me to finish work early so I can take time for myself and my family. The eight hour time difference worked well as Kenz was just starting his day when Lady Yeya got home from school. There were daily FT calls where Kenz helped with her reading books. Other times, Lady Yeya was just happy to see her Grandpa. After her usual tennis and karate lessons, we went out for Sunday brunch and had time for extra cuddles watching a movie.
Lend on Friends and Neighbors for Support
Kenz and I owe a huge thank you to lovely neighbors, friends, and colleagues who supported us during this difficult time. Neighbors drove Lady Yeya to school in the mornings so I will only need to do one school-run. Friends dropped Lady Yeya off after football camp. Other friends brought us home-cooked meals so I can manage the evening routine without losing my sanity. Sweet friends offered to host playdates so I can have some time and space. Friends joined Kenz for dinner and a Ghostbuster movie upon his return for some light-hearted fun. Many friends near and far checked-in and passed on their condolences. We are lucky and so grateful to have a lovely group of friends and neighbors.
Family bereavement and grief is a deeply personal journey. It is never linear, and often feels like a cycle of sadness, anger, and denial. There are good days and bad days, but the passing of time does help. Remember to be kind to yourself in a time of grief. Everyone will experience grief, for it is the price we pay for love.
